Today’s tome is dedicated to, in no particular order . . .
* Eddie Jordan, run out of Philly so fast, Allen Iverson didn’t even have a chance to get him to co-sign a marker; team president Ed Stefanski presided over the press conference on roller skates.
* The Nets, who managed to finish second 70 times this past season.
* Mike D’Antoni, whose Knicks recorded another 50-plus loss season. This just in from column castigator Frank Drucker: “If the team was any deader, Nike would’ve used D’Antoni’s voice in its Tiger Woods commercial.”
Welcome to the NBA’s Best-of-Seven playoffs, where the most talked about matchup pits Bulls vice president John Paxson vs. coach Vinny Del Negro, tie goes to the one being strangled by it.
As mentioned in passing last year at this time, the roundball gods craved a LeBron-Kobe hookup in the finals. The Clash of the Titans . . . Courtney Lee-Kobe . . . somehow lost its appeal at approaching the peak of the opening game jump ball. Some of us are still kinda looking forward to eyeballing the league’s most merciless Warlords swap sweat.
On the other hand, there’s a fanatical faction even more intent on witnessing the longer awaited Shaq-Kobe doe-see-doe. In the event that comes to pass and “Thumbelina” is a factor, he’ll earn his fifth ring; if not, Kobe does.
CAVALIERS: Again own home court throughout, for all the good that advantage did them last hoedown. What happened last season? Coach Mike Brown selected the same lineup Stan Van Gundy would’ve picked to try to stop his team’s pick-and-roll. Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Anderson Varejao were lost trying to stop it, and Brown never made an adequate adjustment. Forced to guard Rashard Lewis outside, Varejao became an easy mark. At the other end, Lewis’ sole concern was keeping Varejao off the boards. The mid-February arrival of Antawn Jamison sharply ceases such exploitation.
Afterthought: With LeBron James on R&R, Cavs lost their last four to end season. Either Brown is a genius, or he wanted to give Hock Shop fan base a taste of what life after LeBron would be like.
BULLS: Can Derrick Rose, at full fury the last month after suffering ankle problems most of the season, be turned off now that he’s so amped up? Did you see him destroy Rajon Rondo for 39 points the other night? Is he a freak or what! Goes wherever he wants, whenever he wants, and at his chosen speed. Who’s better at splitting defenders? And his springer has never looked better or been more on target. But a defensive-oriented team like the Cavs is expected to minimize the damage by limiting Rose’s transitory explosions. Reduced to half court sets, Joakim Noah and Taj Gibson can almost be ignored.
Afterthought: Won 10 of last 14 to save David Stern the ignominy of having below-the-equator team in playoffs.
MAGIC: They’ve pretty much proved to be decent shooters (league record makes from 3-point range), whereas Dwight Howard has yet to establish his low block moves (I don’t mean dunks) can carry a team . . . well, against double and triple coverage, anyway. What happens if teams commit to staying home with Orlando’s off-shore drillers and mostly (they’ve got to mix it up a little to confuse Howard, keep him off balance) play him one-on-one? Guaranteed, he gets to the rim and bends it more than a few times. All the same, opposing coaches are warned not to flip the game plan. Better to put Howard at parade rest on the free-throw line than give Orlando’s perimeter pea shooters open looks. What if he makes shots? You shake his hand and congratulate him.
Afterthought: If Matt Barnes had any more tattoos, I’d swear he was sleeping with Jesse James.
BOBCATS: Is Tyson Chandler healthy enough to compete against Howard? Keep his domination down to a tolerable proportion? Can Nazr Mohammed’s jumper persuade him to cover him outside? Does Theo Ratliff, 37 tomorrow, have enough left in him to give six fouls? If Larry Brown gets anything worthwhile out that interior committee, it might be enough to make Stan Van Gundy crack a wince. Few teams are more versatile at switching pick-and-rolls. Moreover, Vince Carter and Rashard Lewis can’t rest on defense against Stephon Jackson and Gerald Wallace.
Afterthought: Sole suspense surrounding franchise’s first-ever afterparty is whether Next Town Brown stays around for all of it. Team bonded big time when Brown and Larry Hughes trade salt shakers and matchbook covers from the all the places they’ve been.
CELTICS: Mark Jackson likes them to Roy Jones, Jr. before his title fight against Bernard Hopkins. “Despite the fact he’d lost five of his previous 10 fights, three by knockouts, he had me convinced he was going to do something great,” he allowed. “I got caught looking backward. Even worse, I listened to Jones talk at the press conference and the weigh-in and he made it sound believable. The Celtics keep saying they’re ready. They make it sound believable.”
I have no doubt Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett can raise it offensively to Rajon Rondo speed offensively for a series, but figure to apply for disability after that. Defensively, they’re not remotely as responsive as they were the last two seasons. That begins and ends with K.G. Not being able to anchor the defense means he can’t call out anyone else, either.
Afterthought: Celtics were deemed dead after Wilt Chamberlain’s Sixers team beat ’em in ’67 and they won two straight titles. The lone title Doc Rivers is going to experience this year is the one his HS junior son Austin (26 ppg) won in Florida.
HEAT: Were 18-4 in final 22 to end season. If only Dwyane Wade had a collaborator to count on consistently. If only Jermaine O’Neal could produce in back-to-back halves. If only Michael Beasley’s attention span wasn’t disconnected. If only Quentin Richardson (30 April 13), had felt the urge to get in shape four seasons ago when he joined the Knicks. Miami goes as far as Yakhouba Diawara takes it.
Afterthought: Is this Wade’s last stand in South Beach? Only Pat Riley’s elective surgeon knows for sure.
HAWKS: Problem is, too often they play to the aptitude of their adversaries (see late-season losses at Philly and Detroit). They’re way too athletic to be that apathetic. At their best when Jamal Crawford plays point, Joe Johnson adopts a receiver role vs. initiating every play and Josh Smith focuses on crashing the boards. Should Marvin Williams snap out of his too-frequent funk, watch out! Al Horford may be the league’s most unpretentious elite player, and he’s fine with that . . . if that doesn’t say it all.
Afterthought: The good news is, all displaced Thrasher fans — both of ’em — are now comfortably aboard the Dixie Cups’ bandwagon. The bad news is, it’s being driven by Dwight Gooden.
BUCKS: The venison hasn’t vanquished a playoff hunter since 2000-01. Had Andrew Bogut not fractured his wrist this would be an even series. Imagine Kurt Thomas and Dan Gadzuric patrolling the paint for a playoff team. I bet Sen. Herb Kohl never saw that one coming. It’s be a mistake by Atlanta to underestimate Thomas’ force field. He makes shots, sets scrupulous screens and inhibits trespassers with fierce fouls. Meaning, he doesn’t hurt his team, but will hurt the other team. Last week, Big Baby Davis felt the pain last week, jumped up, saw Thomas’ sneer and that was that.
Afterthought: John Salmons is the best thing to happen to Wisconsin since Joe McCarthy.
On Sunday: The vulnerable Lakers (‘here comes the Suns’) and the rest of the West.