Metro

Call off the bod squad – this boob has been exposed

What’s that aroma wafting in from Queens? That’s the sweaty stench of a lady’s desperation as she watches her biological clock wind down, along with her fame.

Debrahlee Lorenzana, the man-hungry, plastic-surgery-addicted, fame-whoring single mom who fantasizes about nailing George Clooney while hoisting a mountainous chest, makes me ashamed to be of the same species, let alone the same sex.

Now 33, Debrahlee has undergone two breast augmentations, a tummy tuck and several liposuctions. But she has inched no closer to landing the “successful” blue-eyed guy she dreams of. Like Ben Affleck. Or Diddy. Identifying eye color is not her strong suit.

So the Queens-bred double-D did what any plastic lady would do when surgical attempts to achieve physical perfection produce the unintended consequence of making her resemble a post-op transsexual.

She filed a lawsuit.

The dame didn’t sue her cute plastic surgeon or the American Mirror Co. for intentionally deluding her. She sued Citibank. For firing her. Because she was “too hot.” She claimed, with a straight face, that her bosses deemed her too sexy to count clients’ money.

Which is like saying Helen Thomas should sue Israel for rendering her unable to perform her professional duties because the country turned her into a blithering idiot.

Today starts Week 3 of the Debrahlee Lorenzana Crisis. In Week 1, the lady attempted to con America into believing she was the victim of her much-exaggerated hottitude — while spreading soft-porn photos of herself like fliers for an escort agency.

Then last week, an “aha!” video surfaced showing this lady living her dream. She was featured in a 2003 reality TV show, getting her second boob job, holding melons to her chest, and issuing a cringe-worthy croon.

“I love plastic surgery,” she waxed idiotically. “I think it’s the best thing that ever happened.” She revealed plans to alter her body into that of a Playboy Playmate — “t – – s on a stick!” — in order to achieve her lifelong ambition of wedding a rich guy.

Seven years later, Debrahlee is still single. Her kid is growing. The lawsuit marches on.

All over this city, women stared at the train wreck, and grew livid. My pal, ex-Airman Laura Kilroy, who comes by her generous mammaries naturally, resents suggestions that women who complain are jealous.

“I know discrimination,” Laura said. “How many women do you think were on the flight lines at my Air Force base?

“Women don’t get pink-slipped for being beautiful. They get promoted. However, if you have the looks and you’re not bringing in the business, there’s something else up.”

Ex-banker Carla Murphy thinks Debrahlee’s self-absorbed video rant reveals two things: 1. She’s a moron. 2. She doesn’t care if her son, who appears in the show, sees his mom as a gold digger with an unhealthy fixation on her breasts.

“The only reason I hope she wins her case is so that boy can get some good therapy,” she said.

Women have worked too long and hard to use their bodies for leverage. Debrahlee Lorenzana trivializes the real crime of sexual harassment with a look-at-me lawsuit that reads like a personal ad, not a discrimination claim.

If she can’t win a man this way, I hope she finds a career in the dregs of showbiz.

And leaves us working girls alone.

EMPIRE STATE OF BLIND

Mother Teresa of Calcutta was a selfless humanitarian now on the fast track to sainthood. In the meantime, she doesn’t rate blue and white lights atop the Empire State Building in commemoration of her 100th birthday, Aug. 26. Anthony Malkin, the owner, says the iconic building doesn’t do religious figures.

Not true. The Empire State Building honored John Cardinal O’Connor, Pope John Paul II and, last year, an order of nuns (not to mention blue M&Ms, Mariah Carey and communist China). A friend believes that Mother Teresa’s ardent opposition to abortion may have something to do with the ban.

“She reminds us that no matter how despicable someone is, you have to reach out to them. Touch the untouchables, which is what she did,” he said.

As one who supports abortion rights — and Mother Teresa — I think shunning her is a slap in the face to the downtrodden masses for whom she lived. Turn on the lights, Mr. Malkin.


‘Minor’ risks = child abuse

Parents who put minors in death-tempting situations should be charged with child abuse.

Laurence Sunderland, whose 16-year-old daughter, Abby, set out to sail around the world, solo, at an age when she can’t get her ears pierced without adult supervision, needs to be locked up before he can harm another kid.

Laurence, broke and saddled with seven kids and a pregnant wife, thought nothing of signing up his meal-ticket kids for a reality-TV show, to be called “Adventures in Sunderland.” He waved goodbye to Abby as the child took off in a sailboat and got lost in a storm. Fortunately for Dad’s bottom line, Abby turned up alive and was rescued.

Not to worry, however, Laurence has other “daredevil” kids he’s ready to pimp out.

The lucrative zeal to make your kid the youngest to win any life-risking title makes children who are too young to be trusted going solo on the Internet travel faster, farther and higher than anyone has business doing.

Childhood is not a commodity to be bought and sold by greedy parents in search of a buck.

Let Yankees gag on twisted Gaga

Lady Gaga is dead to me.

The demented diva made a spectacle of her talentless self on hallowed ground, Citi Field, interrupting a ballgame played by real stars with a profanity-laced rant and by publicly making out with a girl. Plus, the Gagster proved she is capable of counting to three by pointing her middle fingers in fans’ faces, like a sick toddler off her Ritalin.

Two days after disrupting her sister’s high-school graduation by showing up with a lampshade on her head and see-through pants below, Gaga walked into Citi in the middle of a game last week clad in a jewel-bedecked bra and knickers. Angered when photographers noticed her and the T-shirt-clad crowd stared — there’s a shocker — she sucked even more attention her way with an ugly scene I wouldn’t want my kid to witness.

She owes the Mets, and all New Yorkers, an apology. Better yet — let her take the ugly act to Yankee Stadium.


Breast foot forward

The ladies of Hooters have found a way to clean up their slutty image and the Gulf of Mexico oil spill at the same time. The scantily clad servers, including those at Hooters’ Manhattan breastaraunt, are donating 100,000 pairs of torn pantyhose — get your mind out of the gutter, they’ll be laundered first — to be stuffed with hair, fur and fleece and used to absorb the oil. Sorry to disappoint, but the gals won’t be wearing the hose at the time.