Last weekend, Chris, a 31-year-old editor living in Brooklyn, was planning a date, and his brain instantly went to the default option for most New Yorkers: drinks. But drinks lead to attempts at close-encounter conversations in a dimly lit bar, which leads to the awkward, “Are we drunk enough to have sex yet?” talk — and before you know it you’ve slept with someone you barely even know.
“So I thought, ‘Maybe it’d be fun to do something [other than] drink and talk,’ ” he says. “I asked if she wanted to go sledding, and she thought it was a great idea.”
Does the sober date have a place in the perpetually booze-soaked New York singles scene?
Author Harlan Cohen thinks so. The 39-year-old, who lives in Chicago with his wife, is a syndicated relationship and advice columnist who believes sober dates are the key to long relationships. He shares this philosophy in his book, “Getting Naked: Five Steps To Finding The Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed & Totally Sober).”
“People are afraid that someone will get to know them for who they are,” he says. “It’s easy to [conceal yourself] with dark lights and drinks.”
Here are his tips for getting comfortable with yourself and ridding yourself of that demon wingman, strong drink.
1. Try dating sober
This is the hardest part for most people, but it’s key to ditching the emotional crutch liquor supplies.
“Alcohol is really all about suppressing [fear],” Cohen says. People think, “ ‘I can’t say what I’m thinking, and can’t do what I feel while sober because I’m afraid you’re not going to respond the way I want you to.”
Boozing your way into comfort may help you shag a stranger, but the next morning, you’ll really have no idea what to say.
2. Get (nearly) naked
When you can’t use alcohol to boost your self-esteem, Cohen recommends trying something used to support something else: a thong.
Right, normally you want to be taking this off of somebody else. But now you’re the one putting it on. (Borrow one from a girlfriend if you must.) The next bit is the hard part: Stand in front of the mirror and take yourself in.
Glorious, isn’t it?
Nope. Unless you’re Channing Tatum, it’s going to be awful. Your job is to become cool with it. “If you’re not comfortable all alone looking in the mirror,” Cohen says, “you have no business lying next to someone totally exposed.”
Alcohol makes everyone feel like Ryan Gosling. Facing your stone sober reflection in the mirror forces you to accept yourself.
Master this and you’ll be the zen master of your domain, unafraid of everything from public showers to making passes.
3. Act like akid again
“Our worlds are very small, especially in New York,” Cohen says. “If you’re not meeting people, ask yourself, ‘How can people meet me?’ We meet the wrong people because we’re in the wrong places.” A hobby group is a great example because “the topic of conversation isn’t pressured on getting to know each other,” he says.
And Chris from Brooklyn is at least one guy who is a convert on the sober date.
“It felt easy because we’d started building a . . . bond before [drinking],” he says. “It certainly felt more promising than the two- to three-drink dates that a night date usually consists of.” We say, cheers to that.