(
)
When one thinks of the ultimate celebrity hard body, nobody can hold a dumbbell to Madonna.
The Material Mom is well known for putting in excruciating sessions at the gym — or dancing — with a trainer. And all that work pays off. The 54-year-old paraded on the red carpet at the Met Gala on Monday night in ripped, bum-baring fishnets and a Givenchy blazer.
Although I have no intention to show off my tush anytime soon, I did want to see if I could survive working out with Madonna’s trainer, Broadway dancer turned fitness buff Nicole Winhoffer.
So I put on an old Madonna T-shirt (my cone bra was at the dry cleaners) and let Winhoffer know that I have less rhythm than Elaine from “Seinfeld.”
She promises that she could make me dance.
“Working with Madonna, there is no time to not believe in yourself or not know the answer,” says the 28-year-old. “Having this profession has made me face my fears head on.”
That’s easy for the Jersey-raised dancer who met Madonna while training the dancers for 2009’s “Sticky & Sweet” tour.
When the gig was up, Madonna approached the pretty brunette to become her primary exercise pooh-bah, and the two worked together to create the dance-based toning exercise program for Hard Candy fitness, which has gyms around the world, and workout DVDs called “Addicted to Sweat.”
I’m no Madonna. I’m just an out-of-shape former athlete with bad knees and a competitive streak. But I tell Winhoffer to bring it on.
“My whole goal is to revolutionize people. With ‘M’ we’re not doing normal things,” says Winhoffer. “She’s been training her whole life. She has seen everything and done everything.”
Winhoffer says her five-part routine tones and lengthens but most importantly, cultivates a curvier, feminine silhouette.
At a downtown studio, Winhoffer turns up a soundtrack of Madonna and other high-energy hip-hop songs. Madonna likes it hot, but Winhoffer, thankfully, skips cranking up the heat to summer temps.
The first four parts of the class are designed to tire out the muscles so you can then begin to shape them. And the fanciest piece of equipment we use can be found in your linen closet.
We start stretching and lunging with a towel — I’m told to expect burning. Thanks for the warning.
I then get down on my hands and put my feet on little towels. We do seven full body movements by sliding up and down and from left to right on the towels. So this is how a 54-year-old can wear a tiny cheerleader skirt on national television.
“We hit large muscle groups because they burn the most calories. We fired the bingo wings [a k a underarm flaps] and the glute crease so we can shape those areas,” Winhoffer explains.
Exhausted, I move on to part three, which aims to work on the body angles with small, finely tuned moves like a ballerina’s.
“When women complain that they have big thighs, they need to fatigue them first and then chisel away at them,” says Winhoffer. “These are high reps because we don’t want to build the muscle, we want to shrink it.”
When midway through the punishing 30-rep routine I ask for a quick break, Winhoffer becomes a cheerleader. I find myself kicking through the movements with renewed power thinking of slipping into a Gaultier bustier with ease.
We move onto our backs to tone our abs next, which were burning up after adding a weighted medicine ball between my feet.
These carefully targeted tedious movements were excruciating, but physical pain was easier than the shame I was soon to suffer once we hit the dance floor for the fifth and final part.
Meanwhile Winhoffer is thinking how she was going to coax me out of my shell.
I don’t know how to describe what happened next, but Winhoffer concentrates mostly on footwork. She leads me through a bunch of different steps, which I equate with my former basketball and soccer days — a lot of pivoting, grapevines and lateral movements.
Nearly a half hour later, I had a breakthrough like Bill Murray in “What about Bob?”: “I’m dancing.” And I was smiling. I could totally be a backup dancer — at my 9-year-old niece’s dance recital.
We do a few more minutes of speed and agility, sweeping across the gym pretending it’s a stage, and I’m getting ready to go on tour. The cardio is actually my favorite part.
“We have a repertoire of 30 dances, but I taught you the ‘step together,’ which is the first one ‘M’ and I ever did together,” Winhoffer says.
Despite my lack of rhythm, I’m dancing. “It’s about learning what works for your brain,” says my trainer.
Although Winhoffer says Madonna brings out the best potential in her, I’d have to say Winhoffer has brought out the best in me. My dancing skills are still pathetic, but I forgot about my two left feet for a good 30 minutes.
For days afterward, my muscles wouldn’t let me forget any of it. But they did live to tell.
kfleming@nypost.com