Movie: “It’s a Disaster”
Release Date: Out now
Stars: Julia Stiles, David Cross, America Ferrera
Plot: Los Angelenos gather for Sunday brunch so the hosts can announce the end of their marriage.
The Disaster: A nerve gas attack on LA during the brunch
Lesson Learned: Just send your divorce announcement over email.
***
Jaden Smith in “After Earth” (
)
Anna Kendrick in “Rapture-Palooza” (
)
James Franco (from left), Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel and Danny McBride “This Is the End” (
)
Brad Pitt in “World War Z” (Jaap Buitendijk)
Matt Damon stars in “Elysium” (
)
Movie: “Oblivion”
Release Date: Out now
Stars: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman
Plot: A drone repairman protects an abandoned Earth . . . by repairing drones.
The Disaster: War with aliens
Lesson Learned: Space exploration is overrated.
***
Movie: “After Earth”
Release Date: May 31
Stars: Will and Jaden Smith
Plot: A thousand years after humanity leaves Earth, a general and his son crash-land there.
The Disaster: “Cataclysmic events” that led to rampant scary-as-hell animals
Lesson Learned: If you don’t get in a plane or spaceship, you can’t crash.
***
Movie: “Rapture-Palooza”
Release Date: June 7
Stars: Anna Kendrick, Ken Jeong, Craig Robinson
Plot: The apocalypse arrives, and a billion people make it to heaven. The rest are left among the plagues.
The Disaster: The Rapture
Lesson Learned: Read the book of Revelation.
***
Movie: “This Is the End”
Release Date: June 12
Stars: Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, etc.
Plot: The world decides to end right in the middle of a house party hosted by Franco (ironically playing himself.)
The Disaster: Details are mum, so let’s assume the world just couldn’t handle another bro-comedy.
Lesson Learned: Don’t be tardy for the party.
***
Movie: “World War Z”
Release Date: June 21
Stars: Brad Pitt
Plot: A UN investigator has got to stop the zombie pandemic before we’re all undead.
The Disaster: Terrifyingly fast, hungry zombies.
Lesson Learned: Your “Walking Dead” zombie nightmares need an upgrade.
***
Movie: “Elysium”
Release Date: Aug. 9
Stars: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster
Plot: The rich live above Earth in a space station, while the poor slum it below. Damon’s character isn’t too happy about being in the latter category.
The Disaster: Our own disgusting pollution and trash
Lesson Learned: Recycling is great. Make every day Earth Day!