The cruelest punishment of the insufferable burden of Yankees radio the last 21 years is that Michael Kay, on Yankees telecasts, has not distinguished himself as a far more palatable alternative to John Sterling.
Kay obviously has it in his head — and repertoire — that rehearsed, forced and repetitive phrases will be heard as both slick and natural, that they create for him a sustaining, affection-winning identity. They do — if you like Chris Berman’s act.
Rather than just call the games in an easy, breezy, alert manner — it’s TV, you know, no need to tell us that every low and outside pitch is low and outside — Kay is intent on scribbling his name all over every telecast.
By now he likely figured his “Let’s do it!” preface to the first pitch would be embraced as one of his charming signatures. But it’s heard as forced and trite, something he “came up with.”
Same for “Free baseball!” before the 10th inning. What might have sounded cute the first time is heard as the work of someone who doesn’t know that it never works as well the second or 28th time as it did the first.
Kay will recite then try to decipher any and all stats, even if, by his own descriptions, they mean nothing. Tuesday he reported Travis Hafner “has a very modest three-game hitting streak.” In other words, nothing worth mentioning. (Hafner was 3-for-13 during that “streak.”)
Also Tuesday, Paul O’Neill — by the way, his recidivist, cut-to-the-booth comedy bits with Kay about what he eats during games would be a lot funnier if they were funny, the forced laughter sounding forced — noted a graphic showing all teams in the AL East over .500, then wondered if an entire division ever finished over .500.
Logical fans would make a good guess at that answer: No. After all, had it happened, that’s something they would know, remember. But Kay, long a rotten guesswork artist, quickly replied, “I think it has happened.”
Later, word was passed that the latest all teams in a division had winning records was July 3, 1995. Kay missed by half a season.
Kay’s relentless inclinations to embellish are self-defeating and self-revealing. Last month, after a YES graphic noted the strong start by the Braves’ Justin Upton, Kay might have said nothing. Or he might have added that the Braves now have both Uptons. Instead, he stated that Upton’s brother, B.J., “also is doing well.”
At the time B.J. Upton was batting .143.
His syrupy, maudlin preamble to the Yankees-West Point telecast this spring should be carried by Emergency Poison Control teams and read to victims to induce immediate vomiting. Kay concluded it by stating both the Yankees and the United States Military Academy “are built on the same principles.”
Kay soon would update the condition of Alex Rodriguez.
Kay might study tapes of late Phillies announcers Harry Kalas and Richie Ashburn. Alone or together, they were entertaining and cherished because they never tried to be.
They told audiences where the outfielders were playing the batter rather than the batter’s average with runners in scoring position with two-outs vs. left-handers. They naturally avoided signature silliness, allowing what occurred to dictate to them. And they never, ever sounded rehearsed.
Thursday, Kay couldn’t let the obvious — a home day game — pass without faux-slick embellishment. Near the top of the telecast he said we would be watching “an afternoon matinee, here at the Stadium.” Par for his discourse.
NFL thugs reside on college campuses before pros
Though it is both easy and indisputable to conclude NFL rosters increasingly include felons — all teams now have plenty of Cincinnati Bengal in them — let’s not lose the fact the vast majority of these criminals arrive directly from our colleges, to which they were begged to enroll, all expenses paid.
As it grows worse, as more and more violent, young criminals are invited to college campuses under the bogus pretense of “student-athletics,” more legitimate students — and school employees — are placed at greater peril.
Already, legit students have become the victims of burglaries, holdups, serious beatings and even shootings by scholarship athletes who, if not to win ballgames, would be subject to arrest for trespassing. Sure, Pop, save $200,000 to send your kid to a college that spends a fortune encouraging thugs to become your kid’s classmate, or worse, reside in the same dorm.
Ausar Walcott, the receiver dropped by the Browns after he was arrested for attempted murder last week — an alleged assault outside a jiggle-joint at 3 a.m. — was a full-rider at Virginia, among the most prestigious, otherwise tough-to-get-in universities in the nation.
But for all the NCAA’s reform movements and TV image ads, only two things have changed: It’s getting worse, and there’s more and more TV money up for grabs.
ESPN college basketball analyst Jay Bilas once reasoned — rationalized — that even if scholarship athletes don’t attend classes, their social skills improve by their mere presence in a college environment. Bilas, also an attorney, should tell that to the judge.
Besides, such college recruits qualify for what our legal system prosecutes as both fraud and racketeering.
Others get away with worse than Paula Deen
So The same day Paula Deen’s career was remanded to the garbage disposal for her admitted, years-ago use of the N-word, a Times Square party, to be hosted by sports agent Jay Z, who has grown fabulously wealthy and powerful — he’s a First Family favorite — rapping the N-word (among other unprintables) while helping to return the slur to the mainstream, is revealed.
To that pathetic end, there are those forced to walk the plank while there are those — Charles Barkley, Mike Francesa, Al Sharpton, Bud Selig, Spike Lee, Tiger Woods, Bobby Knight — who never are held accountable for the things they do or say.
Add Serena Williams to that list. Her growing antisocial rap sheet makes Paula Deen’s sin look like an overdue library cookbook. But shame on her, anyway!
* Now that experts have identified a “hitch” in Ike Davis’ swing, this would be the time for WFAN to play the tape of that caller, several weeks ago — a polite, older-sounding gent — who dead-on claimed that Davis has a “hitch” in his swing.
WFAN doesn’t even have to air the part where Francesa interrupted him, cruelly mocked him as a know-nothing, then hung up.