Breaking up has always been hard to do — but these days, it’s easier than ever to just slink away.
Rather than having the tired “It’s not you, it’s me” conversation, singles are ending relationships simply by not replying to their partner’s texts. After a few days of silence, even the most persistent prospects usually get the message.
But those people you’re not texting back? They’re not happy about it.
Exhibit A: Victoria Carter, a TV location scout from Williamsburg. Carter says that the slow fade has happened to her more times than she’d like to admit. “It really makes you feel insignificant,” says the 29-year-old. “Like whatever was going on between me and whoever it was going on with wasn’t even worth the time it takes to end it.”
And even though Carter once tried to “slow fade” someone, she claims the practice didn’t stick with her. “I’d been seeing this dude for a while, and at first I was really into him,” she says. “But then I realized I actually found him kind of insufferable, and the thing I was most attracted to was actually his attraction to me.”
She did, however, eventually bite the bullet and break up with him over the phone. “He was fine about it — kind of patronizing, actually. He said something like, ‘I’m really proud of you for speaking up about what you want.’ It was ridiculous. In retrospect I was disappointed in myself for not being upfront with him in the first place.
“Everybody deserves to be acknowledged,” adds Carter, who recently vented her frustration with the slow fade on women’s Web site xoJane. “When you just disappear without saying anything, you’re denying the other person that acknowledgment.
“It’s not hard to say to someone, ‘I had a great time on our date, but I don’t think I’m interested in going out again.’ You can even say it by text! You don’t even have to watch the person’s face fall as you say it!”
Men agree. Ian Spain, a 28-year-old lawyer from Midtown, says the slow fade is a major faux pas — regardless of the situation: “Intentionally not replying to a text is incredibly rude in any context.”
But those who defend the slow fade think of it simply as having good survival instincts.
Samantha Escobar, a 24-year-old blogger from the Lower East Side, claims she uses the technique — especially with persistent suitors who refuse to take no for an answer. In those cases, she remarks, “courteous rules go out the window.
“If the relationship isn’t serious, or isn’t a relationship yet at all, then I don’t think it’s monstrous to just not text them anymore,” she says. “It’s theoretically better to say, ‘Hey, I had a fun time, but I’m not really interested in pursuing this further’ — but in practice, that is pretty awkward for both of you.”
For now, if you have been known to fade away from people after one bad date? Don’t worry too much.
Chiara Atik, the author of “Modern Dating: A Field Guide,” says, “In the very early stages of dating, I really think that fade-out is fine — polite, even! If you go on one or two dates with someone, but then don’t hear from them again or get a response to your text message, you get the point and you move on. I don’t think people owe one another lengthy explanations after a date or two.”
And who knows? Maybe in a few years, we’ll figure out how to do it entirely by emoji.