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Dave, a 28-year-old who works in sales and lives in Hoboken, NJ, typically enjoys what he calls a “great” sex life with his pretty, petite live-in girlfriend of four years, but sometimes another woman gets in the way: the couple’s 9-year-old Chihuahua mix, Stella.
“She does not take well to the show of affection between the two of us,” he says. The dog has a tendency to whine and scratch at the bedroom door when the couple is getting intimate. “Sometimes I speed things up because I feel bad for her,” he admits, going on to describe how the 9-pound dog gives them “glares of judgment” when she’s let into the bedroom post-coitus.
Dave and his girlfriend are hardly alone when it comes to having a dog that gets in the way of intimacy. “I count dogs as one of the main enemies of erotic life — along with children, television, overwork and overeating,” says Dr. Stephen Snyder, a New York City psychiatrist specializing in sex and couples therapy.
It’s not just couples with pets whose sex lives suffer. David Elbaum, 37 — a single attorney living in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, with his 2-year-old rescue, Dottie — says dating when you have a dog poses some unique challenges.
“Dottie gets jealous, and that jealousy will manifest itself in her chewing up a woman’s things — bra, underwear, designer boots,” he says. He chuckles, recalling one encounter that ended with the woman leaving the next morning barefoot and in a dress that had to be taped together after Dottie had her way with his date’s shoes and clothing. Despite the patchy — literally — start, he and the woman continued to go out for several months, devising a system of hiding her belongings on high surfaces, where they’d be safe from Dottie.
What else can pet owners do to keep their darling dogs from ruining their sex lives? Here is some advice from the experts:
Think twice before allowing your dog into the bedroom. “Once they have the privilege and pleasure of bedding down with people, they don’t take well to being kicked out, and it does impede on the intimacy,” says JoAnne Basinger, a manager and trainer at Andrea Arden Dog Training, where new clients are cautioned to hesitate before bringing their fluffy new puppies into bed for a cuddle.
“People tend to either not be at home or giving the dog all the attention,” says Basinger. “Get them used to you being present but not being with them.” When owners are home with their dogs, she recommends building in play periods when the dog is left to entertain itself with a chew toy or food puzzle toy, like a treat-stuffed Kong.
“Always greet your [human] partner first,” says Christina Shusterich, a dog behavior expert and the owner of NY Clever K9. “The dog should be acknowledged second, and any “pushy behavior” like whining, barking or physically coming between humans should be ignored. “Flip it over, and make the dog understand that they have to earn affection by way of an obedience command.” Giving in to a whiny dog only reinforces negative behavior.
“The reality is that once you have a dog or young kids, your need to be touched by your partner may diminish,” says Snyder. He recommends that partners avoid “nonsexual cuddling” and “make it count” when they do touch. “Put some erotic topspin on it.”