‘Something stinks,” says Bruce Willis’ NYPD detective John McClane just before the first of several heavily telegraphed double-crosses are sprung in the Moscow-set “A Good Day To Die Hard” — the fifth and by far the worst installment in this venerable franchise.
Actually, Bruce, what stinks is the script — which is woefully lacking the kind of one-liners and memorable bad guys that helped make working-class hero McClane so iconic he’s still around after 25 years.
Even the action sequences are pretty much by the numbers this time.
Which is something I’m pained to report. Willis, who keeps getting better with age (he’s 57), is one of my favorite actors, with two films (“Moonrise Kingdom” and “Looper”) on my most recent 10-Best list.
“Live Free or Die Hard” may have treaded water six years ago, but in the end, Willis’ charisma managed to keep it afloat.
Inexplicably saddled by Fox with director John Moore (of the stillborn “The Omen” reboot) and screenwriter Skip Woods (who worked similar wonders with the studio’s “The A-Team”), Willis can perform no such miracles this time around.
McClane heads for the Russian capital after his estranged son, Jack (bland Australian actor Jai Courtney), is arrested there under murky circumstances.
The detective turns up just in time to witness an explosive courthouse escape by junior and a dissident (Sebastian Koch) that junior was allegedly supposed to testify against.
Though he has no idea of what’s going on (neither do we), McClane commandeers several vehicles in pursuit of the heavily armed (but dull) bad guys who are chasing the son and the dissident.
This 20-minute chase has some impressive stunt driving, but practically no dialogue and many awkwardly edited reaction close-ups of Willis at the wheel.
McClane is shocked, shocked, to eventually learn that Junior is a CIA agent — “the James Bond of Plainfield, New Jersey” as he puts it — and was involved in busting the dissident out of jail so he could provide evidence to bring down a Russian politician.
If you’re asking why the CIA would even care about getting a Russian political prisoner out of jail, “A Good Day To Die Hard” is probably the wrong movie for you. The answer to this — and exactly why the McClanes tiresomely bicker throughout the film — may well have ended up on the cutting room floor.
There’s evidence of panicked last-minute editing on this film, which at 97 minutes is by far the shortest in a series whose previous installments each clocked in at more than two hours. But trust me, this one still moves so slowly that it feels like it’s longer than two hours.
All of which would be forgivable if we cared in the slightest about that crooked Russian politician (Sergei Kolesnikov) and his scheme.
Or if his chief henchman (Radivoje Bukvic) had something wittier to say than “You know what I hate about Americans? Everything. Especially cowboys.”
The dissident’s double-dealing daughter (Yuliya Snigir) is decorative but not a whole lot more interesting or even particularly menacing.
With McClane Junior’s CIA partner (Cole Hauser) disposed of early on, he’s forced to very reluctantly team up with Dad for a road trip to Chernobyl.
There the bad guys magically exterminate all that pesky radiation so they can smuggle out some . . . well, there’s a good chance you will have guessed this 20 minutes earlier.
Basically, it’s all a setup for a CGI-heavy climax in which a helicopter, and a whole lot of other things, get blown up real good.
Mr. Willis has said in interviews that he’s open to a sixth “Die Hard” film. Next time, Bruce, please read the script.
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