Translating the Tiger:
“I have let my family down.”
I’ve been a bad boy.
Hey, it was fun while it
lasted!
“And I regret those transgression with all of my heart.”
I regret getting caught. The heart, by the way, is not the organ with which I have issues, but you get my drift.
“I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves . . . I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.”
I’ll deal with it if Elin lets me live to see morning.
Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer in human history, yesterday issued an apology of sorts, six days after he emerged, bleeding and unconscious, from his SUV in the middle of the Florida night. But the statement was more a grudging whine than a song. With no one left to blame for his bizarre and piggish behavior, Tiger found a scapegoat.
He blamed the media.
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“I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means,” he wrote. “For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives.”
Does that “tabloid scrutiny” include The New York Times, which implored the superstar to come clean?
The idol has shattered.
The tragedy of Tiger Woods is not that he’s fallible, human or prone to temptation. Or just plain dumb.
Tiger is revealed to be that most loathsome of creatures. He’s a spoiled, celebrity jock.
A week ago, Tiger issued a battle cry known to any A-lister caught in conduct unbecoming, “Do you know who I am?” That was what Tiger did when he refused, repeatedly, to tell authorities why he drove his SUV over a fire hydrant and into a tree, emerging, semiconscious, after his freaked-out wife made a heroic putt and shattered the back window. Or, as one friend imagined it, narrowly missed bashing in his head.
Tiger slithered out of trouble. Cited for reckless driving, he was fined $164 and has to pay for the damage. He makes that amount in a few seconds.
But the damage — to golf, to the institution of marriage, to his precious reputation — is done, finished. Put a fork in him.
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His bad-boy behavior has always been present. But it was ignored because we really wanted him to succeed.
Golfing at Doral, Fla., recently, Tiger was overheard unleashing a torrent of F-bombs at a photographer who was just doing his job.
“The next time a photographer shoots an effing picture, I’m going to break his effing neck,” quoth the Tiger.
But it’s youngsters who want to grow up to be just like him. And now, the Tiger lesson book includes large doses of lying and cheating. Hey, kids — be like Tiger! Treat your wife like a casual hookup while enjoying pricey, exclusive clubs and the women who populate them.
Rick Reilly broke with the Tiger-protection pack, writing in ESPN The Magazine this summer that the man spent the tournament at Turnberry, Scotland, “doing the Turn and Bury.
“He’d hit a shot, turn and bury his club into the ground in a fit. It was two days of Tiger Tantrums.” His behavior, he wrote, “is not fun to watch.”
In coming days, we’ll ask if we created a monster by bestowing unbridled affection on a guy we didn’t want to know.
He has disgraced his game. He has trashed his wife and embarrassed his kids. He has treated the law like a minor inconvenience. And he blames the media while asking for privacy?
Children are watching.
Al’s two sharp tongues
It’s a good thing Al Sharpton’s loved ones aren’t on the tennis circuit. Foul language on the court can get you punished. But on the street, with the right name and connections, not so much.
Al’s daughter, Dominique, caught a bad case of road rage after being stopped for a traffic violation.
“I have a play to go to. This is f – – -ing bulls- – -!” Dominique yelled at cops, according to prosecutors.
Al’s ex-wife, Kathy Jordan, chimed in, “Get your f – – -ing hands off of her!” Then, she allegedly got pushy. At the station house, Dominique made sure to inform officers of her pedigree.
Charged with resisting arrest, both women were treated far more courteously than they behaved.
Opening a potty mouth at officers is not a fine activity for young ladies. No matter what their names are.
Anthony has more nerve than sense
Some guys can’t stop pigging out.
Had Anthony Marshall let his mumsy, the late Brooke Astor, live out her days surrounded by favorite paintings and loved ones whose names she had forgotten, he could have siphoned off her fortune, slowly, like a blue-blooded sponge. And who would have known?
But Marshall got impatient and greedy, and he got caught. Now Marshall, convicted at 85 of ripping off his mother’s money, doesn’t want to pay. He wants to spend the rest of his days hugging the comfortable bosom of his buxom wife, Charlene. He’s begging the judge who will impose sentence to keep him out of jail.
But Marshall showed real WASPish chutzpah with his reason for objecting to life behind bars. Hint: It’s not the choice of roommate.
Marshall says he wants to stay out of stir because he always did such a fabulous job looking after his mother’s money! He didn’t mention that he watched that money go toward Charlene’s headbands and support hose.
Give it up, Anthony, and take your punishment like a vertebrate. A year in jail, and that’s likely all he faces, might be good for the old backbone.
So much for manners
It’s official. Bad behavior works.
City Councilman Charles Barron startled an audience at a groundbreaking ceremony by yelling that Mayor Bloomberg “disrespected” him. Then he got into an ugly shouting match, calling City University trustee Jeffrey Wiesenfeld a “racist” when he asked him to pipe down. Barron was ticked off that the mayor hadn’t honored him and the students who fought for the new Fiterman Hall at Borough of Manhattan Community College.
Barron wins. Someone paid attention.
Hero’s treatment is a rail outrage
You wonder why anyone works for this ungrateful city. Adeline Bayne-Goody is a true heroine. So why is NYC Transit treating her like a disease?
In October, a crazed subway rider threatened passengers and hit the 56-year-old motorwoman in the face aboard a 1 train in Manhattan. Goody tackled the miscreant, holding him down until cops arrived.
Bad guy Jason Atkinson is charged with attempted assault, menacing, disorderly conduct and harassment.
And Goody, who risked her life for the safety of riders, is accused of gross misconduct for leaving her post. She could be fired.
She deserves a medal.