I didn’t even have to pay to see Sydney Leathers’ hardcore XXX movie, “Weiner and Me,” and yet I want my money back. Plus disinfectant.
Not since Ron Burgundy told his date, “I want to be on you” has there been a more awkward attempt at tenderness than the infamous Anthony Weiner sexts to Sydney Leathers that inspired her to wonder (on Howard Stern) whether the mayor wannabe was “a little too busy jerking off to do anything for the city.”
At last, though, Weiner can watch a lookalike getting it on with Sydney Leathers, thanks to a porno released yesterday on the Vivid Celeb Web site.
The best of the four sections is the comedy opening in which Leathers, playing herself, auditions three faux Weiners (plus a guy with a saxophone who is introduced as “Bill Clinton”).
Sydney and the tryouts, including a guy in a Keith Richards wig shouting his lines like a demented mix of Al Pacino and Christopher Walken, read off the actual sweet nothings Weiner and Leathers texted to each other. Like Weiner’s, “What are you wearing? Much for me to take off? I hold you by your throat.” And Leathers’ immortal, “Specifically your health-care rants were a huge turn-on.” And Weiner’s “I love health care. I love health care. OK, very important.”
Leathers selects a lookalike winner — and then the pair runs through the Weiner Sutra of sex positions. But not before a warm-up session in which Leathers entertains herself with two buzzing battery-operated devices and a phone.
The epilogue is the bit Weiner won’t be watching. Leathers tells her story directly to the camera: The two chatted on Facebook after “he poked me out of nowhere.”
She continues, “He was actually Number One in the polls before the scandal broke and then I ruined that for him. So, sorry! Except I’m not. The funny part about the situation is that he was the aggressor even after the fact that he had been caught the first time. So it’s like, really, I don’t know, he’s a moron.”
Leathers also confesses she sometimes faked the phone sex (“Like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m touching myself,’ even if I wasn’t really.”) but “definitely would have f–ked him if I had the chance.”
Alas, Sydney, he’s taken. Anyway, why give away what you can sell on camera?
As Steve Martin once said, “Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, natural things that money can buy.”