Give me a hand, will ya? I seem to have misplaced my keys to the game.
Fear Factor: Imagine if the Jets win today. We next get two weeks of “must establish running game,” “take what they give you” and “bend but don’t break” talk. Two weeks of peeling onions.
It won’t be safe to turn on a radio. “We’ll be back to break it all down, after this . . .”
What I don’t yet understand is that if mistakes — accidents, including fumbles, interceptions, dropped passes, bad snaps, penalties (other than for misconduct), bad calls by officials and coaches — are so “key,” why do “experts” even bother to analyze and prognosticate?
Would anyone disagree with this:
“The team that makes the fewest mistakes — suffers the fewest accidents — has a distinct advantage.”
OK, so who’s to know which team that will be? We already have seen a 10-point underdog, the Seahawks, demolish the defending champion Saints. And never forget this: Footballs are shaped funny, with pointy ends that make them bounce dopey, thus they’re not really balls in the “B” sense — in the baseball, basketball, bowling, billiards, bocce, billiards sense.
Once footballs hit the ground, they’re more like throwing dice, shooting craps. The shape of the ball makes football more difficult to handicap than a kindergarten talent show. So why bother? Throw a dart.
Unlike in throwing dice, though, in football chance favors the prepared. But who’s to know, from the outside, which team will be better prepared? So my expert advice, today, to all concerned, is as follows: Good luck.
Heussler’s wife was one Amazin’ fan
JIM Burns, actor and writer, is a longtime listener and longtime caller to WFAN, thus he has befriended several regulars, including Bob Heussler. Heussler’s wife, Marcia, a 20-year nurse at Yale-New Haven Hospital, last week passed from cancer, at, good grief, 53. As FAN listeners likely know, Heussler is a major Mets fan. So was Marcia.
Huessler told Burns of participating in Banner Day at Shea, many years ago, with Marcia obviously pregnant (with one of their two sons), and carrying a sign, an arrow pointing to her tummy, a sign that read, “Met Fan Warming Up In The Bullpen.”
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Like a runaway clown car, there is nothing to stop ESPN’s whatever-it-takes policy on self-promotion; ESPN will continue to bend over backward to make a complete fool of itself.
Last week ESPN’s website reported “Tom Brady will undergo surgery on his foot, a source who’s close to Brady and familiar with his plans confirmed to ESPN Boston.com.”
The next paragraph read, “News of Brady’s impending surgery was first reported by the Boston Globe.” Oh.
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So, according to a new study, one in 10 fans leave NFL games plowed, above the legal limit. I don’t know how much the researchers spent on this project but many of us could’ve saved them a lot of dough. And one-in-10 leaving seems lower than the number entering drunk, aka, the in-ebriated.
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Dept. of Can’t Make This Stuff Up: The Boston Blazers, a pro indoor lacrosse team, has apologized for a Saturday halftime show at the TD Garden during which Scorch, the team’s mascot, was the recipient of lap dances from barely dressed young women.
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Weekday Boomer, Friday morning, sure was upset that the Rangers lost at Carolina the night before. Esiason was downright angry, and seemed to take it personally. Weekend Boomer, on CBS’s NFL pregame, today, will be far more circumspect.
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Context! After Bears tight end Greg Olsen caught his third pass to total 113 yards last Sunday, FOX’s Kenny Albert said Olsen was the first Bears tight end to reach 100 yards in a postseason game: “Not even Mike Ditka [did so].”
As reader Mathew Hardy notes, Ditka played for the Bears from 1961-66; the only “postseason” game he played was the frozen 1963 NFL Championship over the Giants.
ESPN has extended Dick Vitale through 2015, which will put him at 35 years with the network.
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We don’t mind when CBS’ NFL pregame show panelists try to be funny, but be funny, don’t just belly laugh at every weak attempt. We know the difference.
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Slaves to fashion: Tuesday, it rained here all day. But that didn’t stop teens and men from wearing their baseball caps backward — ensuring a full face of rain — or, as per more recent style, the brims pushed sideways — to ensure half-a-face of rain. Lookin’ good!
CBS-Turner to unleash some March Madness
The first joint-production of the NCAA Tournament — between incumbent CBS and newcomer Turner — will, starting on March 15, include some interesting additions and misgivings.
For starters, Marv Albert and his TNT/NBA partner Steve Kerr — both goodies — will work some games.
But we’ll have to take the intrusive with the good as TNT’s NBA studio team, including Charles Barkley, will be in the mix.
Perhaps Barkley will use a few seconds of his time to clarify his condemnation of Auburn for hiring Gene Chizik as its head football coach last season. Barkley called the hire racist, claiming there were far more qualified black candidates, and that Chizik was not the least bit able.
This season under Chizik, Auburn went undefeated and won the national championship. But oh, well.
Also, the first games will appear on the Turner cable network truTV, formerly CourtTV, which is a huge step up for that channel as it has come to specialize in staged street fights — cat fights, too — presented to morons in primetime as the real things.
Among the unconditional hollerers, CBS will return Gus Johnson and Kevin Harlan. Thoughtful and reserved CBS analysts Len Elmore, Mike Gminski and Jim Spanarkel — an all ACC team — also return.
But perhaps the best news of all is the Final Four is expected to be directed by CBS’ Bob Fishman, his 30th year as the Tournament’s lead shot-caller.
Fishman, for some odd reason, feels the best thing — the only thing — to do while the ball’s in play during crunch time is to show the game. It’s a nasty, prehistoric habit he can’t seem to shake.