Jay Leno: “President Obama had his annual physical last week, and while a colonoscopy revealed no polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.”
2 of 11
Ricky Gervais: “I recently had a penis reduction. I’ve just got the one now.”
3 of 11
Gilbert Gottfried: “I went to a Chinese psychiatrist. An hour later, I was crazy again.”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
4 of 11
Ardie Fuqua
: “I saw a horror film called ‘Paranormal Activity,’ where the couple put a camera up so they could see what was going on inside their house. I live in a bad neighborhood. I saw a scarier movie called ‘Normal Activity,’ where I put up a camera to see what was going on outside my house.”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
5 of 11
Julian McCullough: “Mike Tyson has a tattoo on his face, which is unnecessary. Was being Mike Tyson not scary enough? If I wanted to look scary, I would get a tattoo of Mike Tyson’s face on my face.”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
6 of 11
Colin Kane: “I think bus drivers are the most oblivious people on the road. Have you ever seen that bumper sticker on the back, ‘How am I doing?’ You’re driving a bus, so apparently not that well. I think you missed a few stops — high school and college.”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
7 of 11
Jim Norton: “Why did AT&T drop Tiger Woods as a spokesman? They’re probably just jealous he’s been in more hot spots than their 3G network.”
John Chapple
8 of 11
Amy Schumer: “Men are bad at planning, unless it’s for a threesome — then they become event planners. I’m like, ‘Is that a clip board? Why is the “Braveheart” soundtrack playing?’ ”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
9 of 11
Jeff Ross: “I went to the IMAX theater and saw ‘Precious’ in 3D. Halfway through, she reached out and stole my popcorn.”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
10 of 11
Morgan Murphy: “I was at a bar, and a lady came up to me and said, ‘I’d like to take your picture because I’m a photographer and I photograph androgynous women.’ I was like, ‘Jokes on you, lady — I’m a man.’ ”
Caitlin Thorne Hersey
