Sports

JUST ASKING … FINALS QUESTIONS YOU WON’T HEAR ELSEWHERE

SINCE today is 6-6-06, ABC’s Mike Breen (congratulations on his first NBA Finals) and Hubie Brown might want to start looking for ominous omens leading into Thursday’s commencement exercise.

Miami vs. Dallas: One Cuban trying to overrun a whole bunch. Dueling American Airlines amphitheaters, Arena vs. Center. Bush the governor vs. Bush the former governor. What I would give for the players to come out dressed in Chaparrals and Floridians throwback uniforms.

So many critical questions, so few answers required.

Who’s Kobe rooting for?

Can Shaq win a title without Derek Fisher?

How will Dirk Nowitzki respond when an opponent outwardly attempts to get under his skin, via feigned kiss or otherwise?

Can Dwyane Wade become the second draftee from the ’03 class to get a ring behind Darko?

Is it too late for Karl Malone to un-retire?

How long into the series will Pat Riley coin a new mantra? “No Retreads, No Rings!”

Who’s going to guard Desagana Diop?

Hold on a second, I thought I heard Joey Crawford whistling Shaq for his third offensive foul five minutes into Game 1.

Who was the last player to follow his own shot as consistently as Josh Howard? OK, other than Elnardo Webster?

Who are Nets fans rooting for?

Does the NBA plan to conduct a “Read to Achieve” seminar at the School Book Depository?

Should the Carolina-Edmonton Stanley Cup Final get better ratings, does Gary Bettman get back his old NBA job?

Wouldn’t this be an appropriate time to amend the Top 50 list to include Bob McAdoo?

Will Udonis Haslem become the next Curtis Perry/late great Happy Hairston, who flourished alongside dominating big men?

Doesn’t Keith Van Horn’s appearance in the Finals validate the Spurs’ incredible foolishness for casting their lot with some guy named Duncan?

Should Gary Payton finally gets his ring, will he do the honorable thing and make a chocolate replica for Shawn Kemp?

Over the next seven games (hopefully), who’s likely to pull the trigger on more ill-advised shots – Antoine Walker, Jerry Stackhouse or Dick Cheney?

Who will prove more important, the sixth men, Stackhouse or James Posey, or “sixth assistants” Paul Mokeski or Bimbo Coles?

Will Erick Dampier be more of a factor in this series than he was in the conference finals?

Has there ever been a come competitive matchup of dancers vs. cheerleaders?

Will Jason Williams get some fresh ink for the Finals?

Should Jason revert to Blight Chocolate, will Riley again count on John Starks to be instantly and repeatedly offensive?

Isn’t it about time we read a quote from Stan Van Gundy’s mother – the only member of the family we’ve yet to hear from – about how Riley disrespected her son? At last check, the FBI was digging up the backstretch at Pompano Park looking for Stan’s remains.

Should the Heat win, does that mean they did a better job not listening to Stan in favor of Pat than the Mavs did of not listening to Don Nelson in favor of Avery Johnson?

When does the Little General reveal what he thinks about President Bush’s Iraqi policy?

Who are Raptor fans pulling for?

When the game is up for grabs, will the Mavs resort to Hack-a-Heat?

Will Shaq hit his sound bites when his team needs them most?

When Riley claimed at the Pistons’ post-series press conference Alonzo (Organ Groaner) Mourning “sacrificed money to play the Heat,” why didn’t someone remind him the Raptors paid him roughly $10M when he refused to show up in Toronto, and he remains on their salary cap for $3.9 million this season and $4.22M next season?

What are the chances of Jim Gray getting Larry Bird to admit the Heat would be better served if their fans wore more white shirts?

Will Mark Cuban be content to chill in Miami and let the refs work in silence?

If the Heat get off to a poor start, will Shaq ditch Padre Riles for Paul Westhead?

When the games are played in Dallas, who becomes the building’s biggest jerk, Zo or Terrell Owens?

My prediction: Hubie in seven.