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Over the summer, the birth of a new prince re-ignited the western world’s love affair with royalty. And while queens and kings still capture the minds of commoners, they largely act as symbolic heads of state.
However, a new breed of Modern Queen has ascended into the spotlight – holding court in the public eye and inspiring contempt as much as awe. Here are five, ahem, common types of “queens” found today.
The A-List Celebrity Star
After headlining a few movies, walking glamorous red carpets, converting to cult-like cults, naming your babies after New England foliage and adopting several more babies in pursuit of world peace, it’s clear: You’re the queen of everything if you’re the queen of Hollywood. So, smile and regally wave with your left hand as you land an uppercut on that paparazzi with the right as you stumble your way out of the bar.
The Politician’s Wife
You stand by your man through thick and thin. Through shirtless sexting escapades to trysts with hookers paid for by the taxpayer. Here’s to you, Politician’s Wife, a true modern queen. It’s not easy to constantly wave and smile and point into the crowd while onstage, or to give the token introduction on the stump for the 398th time. Soon though, after your spouse dies, leaves office, or wanders down the Appalachian Trail, you’ll at least think about throwing your hat into some vulnerable district’s congressional race.
The Reality TV star
Thank god young girls like you can now become universal queens through late-night cat fights, boozed-infused limo dismounts, and a complete disregard for the English language (we’re looking at you shores of New Jersey and hills of Hollywood) in houses with cameras and stage lighting in the ceilings. On the plus side, it turns out you can extend your time on the throne as an athlete’s wife once your 15 minutes are thankfully finished. (See: Athlete’s Wife)
The Athlete’s Wife
Ah, how nice it is to be the queen, sitting and watching from your court-side throne or air-conditioned sky box. Donning the king’s jersey and maybe a ridiculous (and ill-fated?) pink hat, you anxiously look onto the field, either nervous or very confused and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. With any luck, an aging sportscaster will spot you in the crowd, have the cameraman stay on you with the entire world ogling until you become the next IT super model wearing bikinis and eating cheeseburgers, parlaying it all into a sumptuous modeling future of your own.
Queen of the Household
Shoes off! No, no, you’re not watching the game Saturday; we’re eating with my parents. Honey, feel free to sleep on the couch tonight.
Running your entire castle takes a lot of work and rules must be enforced. As queen, you gladly enforce these bylaws, until the king loses it at age 52, buys a motorcycle, and starts to work much longer hours with a few choice coworkers.
