Hard to believe “Bye Bye Birdie” hasn’t been on Broadway since its 1960 open ing. Michael Stew art’s daffy book zips along, providing juicy opportunities for Charles Strouse and Lee Adams’ great songs — which are so infectious that they should be monitored by the CDC. The show is a candy-colored, poptastic hoot.
Not that you’d know it from the boneheaded revival that crash-landed at the brand-new Henry Miller’s Theatre last night.
Under director-choreographer Robert Longbottom, this “Birdie” has been completely drained of fun and energy. The Roundabout would have been better off recycling the spirited Encores! production from 2004.
In case you’ve never done it in high school, the show revolves around the sudden arrival of teen idol Conrad Birdie (Nolan Gerard Funk) in Sweet Apple, Ohio. Birdie’s just been drafted and his manager, Albert Peterson (John Stamos), decides that, for publicity’s sake, the singer will croon a new tune to a randomly picked fan — 15-year-old Kim MacAfee (Allie Trimm).
Birdiemania ensues, along with a credibility-straining subplot involving Albert’s relationship with his long-suffering secretary-girlfriend, Rose (Gina Gershon).
“Bye Bye Birdie” is often described as the first musical to bring rock ‘n’ roll to Broadway, but it actually mocked both rock and the hysteria that surrounded the likes of Elvis in the late 1950s. Here, though, the balance between spoof and earnestness is completely out of whack.
Sure, the choreography is uninspired at best, and the sets look cheap. But these could have been overcome by the casting. Instead, there lies the problem.
Only Jayne Houdyshell, as Albert’s overbearing mother, knows how to act cartoonish and stay in character. Everybody else fumbles. As Kim’s dad, Bill Irwin looks as if he’d been teleported from another show — or planet Loony Tunes.
Stamos and Gershon sure look great. Then they open their mouths.
Both look half-paralyzed by stress. Stamos’ face is frozen in a strained mask when he sings “Put On a Happy Face,” and Gershon, who displayed genuine comic chops in “Boeing-Boeing,” is at sea as the feisty Rose Alvarez. Couldn’t they have found a real Latina who could also sing and dance? Crazy thought, I know.
On the other hand, Roundabout toed the current casting party line by hiring actual kids as Birdie’s fans. These teens look like cute freshmen and lack the knowing va-va-voom “Birdie” requires.
While a wonderful singer — her rendition of “One Boy” is lovely — the 14-year-old Trimm simply can’t play Kim’s sexual awakening. The ensemble number “A Lot of Livin’ To Do” should be a joyous, bring-down-the-house hormonal explosion. Here it’s merely busy.
Of course, having such a young Kim meant that Birdie couldn’t be much older, for fear of unsavory overtones. Funk is a rosy-cheeked 23-year-old who doesn’t look a day over 18 and makes the Jonas brothers seem downright lascivious.
Like the show itself, this bland Birdie can’t arouse much of anything, be it Kim or the audience’s attention.
elisabeth.vincentelli
@nypost.com