Ben Affleck has sealed his remarkable career reinvention as an actor-director with the critically acclaimed “Argo’’ — but things haven’t gone nearly so well for the film career of his former lover and “Gigli’’ co-star, Jennifer Lopez.
“Parker,’’ a return to the thriller genre for her first film in three years, isn’t a jaw-dropping disaster like “Gigli.’’ But her silly, ill-conceived role doesn’t come within light years of showcasing her the way Lopez’s best film, Steven Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight’’ (1998), did.
Though Jenny from the Block gets co-star billing with Jason Statham, she makes only a token appearance in the first hour of a film adapted from a long series of hard-boiled crime novels by Donald Westlake.
Several have been made into movies with stars including Mel Gibson, Lee Marvin, Robert Duvall and Jim Brown in the Parker role (although, as in most of Westlake’s novels, they’re Parker using a pseudonym). But Statham is the first actor to play Parker under his “real” name.
And, at least for the first half, this action flick looks like it might result in a new franchise for Statham.
His lone-wolf criminal is somewhat reluctantly recruited by his girlfriend’s father (Nick Nolte, sounding like he gargles with razor blades) to join a gang planning a complex heist at the Ohio State Fair.
Parker, ruthless but with his own peculiar set of ethics, is dismayed that sloppiness results in the death of a civilian.
When the leader of the gang (Michael Chiklis) insists that Parker join the others in investing the proceeds from the heist in another, far more lucrative job, Parker pointedly refuses.
Chiklis orders Parker executed, but leaves the job to the same inept gunman whose bungling resulted in the death.
Which leaves a wounded Parker free to plot a way to hijack the second heist, get his money and wreak a bit of vengeance in the process.
Veteran director Taylor Hackford (“Ray’’) handles the first half tough and taut, but lets things go ridiculous and slack when Parker tracks his former associates to Palm Beach.
That’s largely the result of Hackford and screenwriter John McLaughlin accommodating a wobbly star turn by Lopez as Leslie Rodgers, a cash-strapped Realtor whom Parker uses to try and figure out exactly where the gang plans to strike next.
Outfitted in a 10-gallon hat and a terrible Texas accent, Parker pretends to be an oilman looking for a trophy property.
Leslie, who’s “pushing 40” (Lopez is 43 and looks it here) and shares a condo with her telenovela-loving mama (Patti Lu-Pone), sees him as a potential sugar daddy.
Given her oil-and-water chemistry with Statham, it’s probably just as well that Lopez isn’t the film’s actual romantic interest.
That thankless task falls to Claire (Emma Booth), leaving Leslie to look on helplessly while the girlfriend (literally) stitches up Parker after he’s attacked by a knife-wielding assassin.
Statham being Statham, you can imagine what happens to the other guy.
The film’s fantasy level goes into overdrive when the clueless Leslie finally somehow figures out what Parker is up to — and he agrees to make her his partner, never mind that Leslie is a complete ditz.
This all leads up to a poorly staged jewel heist during a charity auction at a mansion — with Parker’s ingenious plans to get even predictably complicated by Leslie’s erratic behavior.
“Parker’’ is watchable chiefly for Statham, who exudes effortless cool and excels in hand-to-hand combat, as well as demonstrating his skill at wielding some very unlikely weapons.
And J.Lo? Well, maybe she’d be better off commissioning a script for a sequel to her last successful vehicle (in 2002) and calling it “Matron in Manhattan.’’