Roasting a woman over an open flame? Debating whether to cook her dead or alive? Cutting off limbs before or after serving her up as a hot meal?
Why don’t you try telling us something really shocking?
In a city where people routinely see more revolting things on their morning commute than most see in a lifetime, even a would-be “cannibal cop” has a high bar to clear.
From the looks of it, he’s failing.
In court yesterday, as FBI Agent Corey Walsh read reams of e-mail exchanges in which accused ex-cop Gilberto Valle alternately fantasized and strategized about how he’d kidnap, cut and cook his first victim, more than one juror struggled to stay awake.
Here’s a sample of the dialogue, read aloud by Walsh, between Valle — who went by the handle “Mhal52” — and a twisted online cohort.
Meatmarketman: “Cut off the t–s and slow roast them.”
Mhal52: “[I’m] longing for the day I ram a chloroform soaked rag in her face.”
Meatmarketman: “I never have sex with the meat.”
Mhal52: “Cook her over low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.”
Meatmarketman: “As for ideas, how about cutting her feet off and cooking them on the BBQ in front of her?”
A female juror in the front row slumped in her seat, head listing to the right. Another female juror casually took a sip of water.
Even the female court reporter wasn’t spooked — she showed up in a faux-snakeskin-print wrap dress. (Also worth noting: One of the male jurors admitted in a pretrial questionnaire to visiting at least a dozen of the same porn sites as Valle.)
The jadedness of New Yorkers aside, it’s quite possible the jurors aren’t convinced that these two were capable of much more than fantasizing with each other behind computer screens. They are both clearly so dim — Valle, especially — that it’s hard to believe these are criminal masterminds at work. Instead, they sound like two tweenage girls discussing a crush, going over the same mind-numbing details over and over without ever losing an iota of excitement.
Rotisseries, gutting vs. hacking, grilling alive or dead, this great intestinal recipe for haggis . . . quickly, the details begin to bore.
What’s truly alarming: Someone stupid enough to leave such a massive data dump on his personal computer served as one of New York’s Finest for six years.
“Abducting and Cooking Kimberly: A Blueprint” was just one of the documents found on Valle’s computer, and what it lacks in detail — Valle wrote up a thumbnail biographical sketch, light on the planning — it makes up for in unintended hilarity.
Later, Meatmarketman advises the NYPD vet to reconsider having lunch with a potential victim: “Be aware you will be a possible suspect when she goes missing. Get your alibi in early.”
And when Valle dismisses the suggestion that he abduct two women in quick succession — too risky, Valle says, law enforcement will start looking even harder — Meatmarketman tells him to relax: “Girls go missing all the time.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Valle replies.
“I never went to a trial and heard such horrible things,” said Artie Ravitz, a 73-year-old retiree who hits up high-profile trials for sport.
“This has to be the worst treatment of another human being I ever saw.”
Where’s Ravitz from?
“Pennsylvania.”