NFL

Hondo’s NFL picks Week 1

Huddle up, HondoNation, it’s time for Mr. Aitch to release the game plan for Week 1. Before calling the first play, Hondo would be remiss if he didn’t fortify his opening selections with the final results from last season’s playoffs. In case you missed it, he correctly forecast his sixth straight Super Bowl winner, correctly forecast the “over,” and again tied for the playoff cume title (spreads plus O/Us).

Thus, Hondo, brimming with cred, begins preaching to his choir with the following:

Bucs over Jets:

First of all, let’s cut Rex Ryan some slack on his trip to Clemson to watch his son’s Tigers play Georgia, a legitimate family outing that necessitated time off from work. What would not be a legitimate family outing would be if he and the Mrs. took an afternoon off to get pedicures.

As for the opener, the famed Tampa Two defense has been renamed the Tampa Four for this game, because Revis and Co. are expected to pick off at least that many of green Geno Smith’s passes. The modest 3 ¹/₂-point spot will prove yet again that giving can be very rewarding.

Giants over Cowboys:

For America’s Also-Rans, the problems are all about Jerry and Geri — owner and know-nothing GM Jerry Jones and Geri Atric, aka 73-year-old new defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, who has been out of the league since 2008. The game has passed him by, and so will Elite Eli and the Giant offense.

Bills over Patriots:

For a team that lost a lot of weaponry — and not just Aaron Hernandez, who may be the lead character in Longest Yard III — and hasn’t won a Super Bowl since 2004, the Pasties are getting a lot of love from experts who envision them playing at MetLife Stadium in February. The only way that will happen is if before Tim was cut he showed the disheveled Hoodie and his troops the art of Tebowing.

Steelers over Titans:

Anthony “Ridiculous Bulge” Weiner was ridiculed for bellowing into a bullhorn with a bad fake Caribbean accent at Monday’s West Indian Day Parade. He should stick to his fake Spanish accent, which he refined while trolling for trollops as “Carlos Danger — The World’s Most Perverted Mayoral Candidate.”

Falcons over Saints:

Many are attributing Bill de Blasio’s incredible surge in the polls to his son Dante’s ads. As one pollster commented: “Dante’s big Afro is the campaign image everyone remembers. What a TV commercial!” Sources say Weiner, down to a measly 7 percent, is so desperate he is rushing into production an ad in which “Little Anthony” comes out of hiding to show his Afro.

Jaguars over Chiefs:

Say what you want about Barack “Red Line” Obama and his lead-from-behind foreign policy, but you have to admit he has made good on a campaign promise to run the “most transparent administration” (other than when it involves scandals such as Benghazi, the IRS, NSA and AP). From Afghanistan to Iraq to Syria, what other President would be open enough to share U.S. battle plans with the enemy?

Bengals over Bears:

Canadian football refugee Marc Trestman takes the reins for the Bears, who will come up a rouge or two short of winning this one.

Browns over Dolphins:

Newark Mayor and U.S. Senate hopeful Cory Booker refuses to say whether he’s gay, apparently wanting to have it both ways at least until Election Day. Until then, regarding the closet issue, he, too, will continue to lead from behind.

Seahawks over Panthers:

From emauler Ed Buckmir: “Simon Cowell’s paramour, Linda Silverman, is going to have a baby boy. No doubt, based on genetics, a pompous, pretentious, self-important one, at that.”

Vikings over Lions:

Princess Di was rated the celebrity Americans would most want brought back from the dead, according to a Vanity Fair poll. She received 35 percent of the vote, while Michael Jackson came in third with 11 percent, which seems a tad high. Evidently, some people feel there aren’t enough child molesters above ground these days?

Colts over Raiders:

Time Warner Cable finally made a deal with CBS, ensuring TW customers won’t miss any NFL games this season. That should call for a big “hooray,” but the way Hondo figures it, someone else’s cable problems are a lot like someone else’s traffic jams: Who cares!

Rams over Cardinals:

Carson Palmer quit on the Bengals then stunk with the Raiders, which earned him $26 million for three years with the Cards. Count on buyer’s remorse setting in quickly for Arizona GM Steve Keim.

49ers over Packers:

Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is separated from Michael Douglas, is looking gaunt these days. Friends say she cut back on calories shortly after Michael did.

Redskins over Eagles:

It’s the Story of “O.” An obscene number of points could be scored here with RG3 and Alfred Morris running the unstoppable read-option, and Chip Kelly debuting his rapid-fire Philly offense. However, Hondo advises laying the skimpy 3 ¹/₂, because of the Skins’ superior defense. Not only that, but research reveals no coach named “Chip” has ever covered an NFL spread.

Chargers over Texans:

The “read option” isn’t limited to football — it also can be very effective when thumbing through a newspaper. For example, you likely will opt to read every word of the Bettor’s Guide. However, when it comes to, say, one of Mike Lupica’s Dispatches From The Recliner, you likely will want to exercise your turn-the-page option as quickly as possible.

BEST BETS

Bucs, Seahawks, Redskins