Movies

Comedy never takes off in ‘Baggage Claim’

‘THE way a woman keeps her kitchen is the way she keeps her man” is one of the bizarre aphorisms in this insulting, retrograde comedy. (By this logic, I keep my man vaguely clean and full of snacks.)

Ostensibly a showcase for the comic talent of Paula Patton, better known for playing action sidekicks (“Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol,” “2 Guns”), “Baggage Claim” puts the breathy-voiced actress through an endless series of humiliations.

Patton’s Montana Moore is a flight attendant (not a porn star, as her name suggests) who’s good at her job but bad at dating. That might have something to do with her tendency to whine, “I want commitment! I want love!” — but her two work buds, Gail (Jill Scott) and Sam (Adam Brody), are determined to make a match before her little sister’s wedding, using the leftovers of Montana’s love life.

They hatch a scheme to alert them whenever one of her still-available exes boards a flight, so Montana can throw on some Spanx and heels and subtly run into him. (As long as he’s on the airline they work at. Which he always is.)

Nothing in this movie would actually happen, so what’s irritating is that it presents itself as a savvy, “Am I right, ladies?” dating commentary. My favorite implausibility is the way people keep tearing through airports at top speed; if you tried that at JFK, security would tackle you before you got past curbside check-in.

Also, I’m not sure what’s going on with Patton, whose eyes are at half-mast most of the time and whose speech patterns are odd. She’d fit right into a “Pineapple Express” sequel, but here her character consistently seems to have just awakened from a nap.

Montana makes her way through a series of Bad Men — the cheat (Boris Kodjoe), the poser (Trey Songz), the narcissist (Taye Diggs) and the playboy (Djimon Hounsou) — all the while using her good-hearted best friend and neighbor, William (Derek Luke), for emotional support.

Through the parade of Mr. Wrongs, director/writer David Talbert fetishizes wealth even as he builds up to its inevitable repudiation. Montana is wowed by the weirdest things, too: A deftly ordered series of appetizers is enough to set her pulse racing.

At least the film portrays the genders equally badly: There’s Montana’s marriage-obsessed mother (Jennifer Lewis) and sister (Lauren London), the slutty Gail, a crazy-jealous romantic rival (Tia Mowry-Hardrict) and William’s shifty girlfriend (Christina Milian).

The one time I laughed was Sam’s quip, upon seeing Hounsou’s character emerging from a limo: “I think the King of Zamunda might be here to see you.” With a little more sleep, Patton might have the potential to shine in something on the level of “Coming to America.” Here, she’s just flying blind.