‘THE Busy Guy’s Guide to Hooking Up.”
By Stephon Marbury.
A professional basketball player has to satisfy his needs, like anyone else. Trouble is, a guy on the go can’t waste energy on stuff like dinner. Or foreplay. Or getting a room.
Knick star Stephon Marbury, in his houndstooth jacket and swagger, testified yesterday in the sexual-harassment trial of his BFF, Isiah Thomas. And he gave a Learning Annex-style course on scoring. We’re not talking hoops.
Here is a cheat sheet to Marbury’s Method for Making It. Take notes.
Rule No. 1 – Before even thinking about doing it with a chick, a big-time player better make sure the girl’s been road-tested. Stephon solved that problem by coming on to a Knick underling who was “in a relationship” with his cousin, Hassan Gonsalves.
It helped that Gonsalves was on the Knicks’ payroll, too. No complaints here about sloppy seconds.
Rule No. 2 – Access is key. Marbury plucked the girl right out of Gonsalves’ car, after they all visited Sue’s Rendezvous, a Mount Vernon strip club. For the girl’s birthday.
3. – The drunker the better.
4. – Professional bitches are a pain the you-know-what. Interns, baby!
5. – Why waste oxygen? “Are you going to get in the truck?” was the extent of Marbury’s conversation with the college student. “Yes,” she said.
6. – Why waste money on a room when you have a car? “We got together right across the street” from the strip club, he testified.
7. – Why waste gas when you can sit still? “We were stationary the whole time,” he said. Doubtless not a commentary on his performance.
Marbury also said he has called Anucha Browne Sanders a “bitch.” But not a “black bitch.”
Sanders’ lawsuit against Thomas and Madison Square Garden brought forth this useful information, imparted by a man who seemed alternately pleased with himself, and irritated at being dragged into the ordeal.
Earlier, Sanders broke into tears for the first time, testifying that Marbury’s conquest felt she could not refuse his advances – though she called the sex “consensual.”
But when Sanders complained to her Garden boss, Steve Mills, he warned that Thomas would retaliate by spreading rumors she was having an affair.
After court, Marbury, visibly jolly, strode off toward his chauffeured Bentley, singing a Chris Brown song:
“We’re in the moo-oood!”
Nice company you keep, Isiah.