Entertainment

‘Blood’-y finish

Season two of “True Blood” comes to its gory, bodice-ripping conclusion tonight, and we’ve got a wish list of issues we’d like to see resolved. Is this all really going to happen in one hour? Likely not. But then, this is Bon Temps, where nothing ever happens the way you think it will (unless you think it’s going to end campily, with a lot of bloodshed).

* Get Eric and Sookie in bed, already

In real life, not in her head. After being coerced into drinking his blood a few episodes ago, she’s been having incredibly realistic sex dreams about everyone’s favorite vampire sheriff (as has Lafayette, it turns out; why haven’t we been privy to those?). But we have yet to see any actual action, and we all know it’s going to happen eventually. So please, give us something tasty to tide us over until Season Three.

* Kill off Maryanne

Michelle Forbes’ Maenad has been vamping (sorry) for so many episodes, she’s starting to make crazed redneck orgies look downright boring. We get it, you’re waiting for Dionysus. You built the meat sculpture, you’ve got the followers — make it happen! And then, as the Vampire Queen suggested, enjoy the sweet release of your death. As will we.

* Justify the existence of Evan Rachel Wood’s character

When it was announced that Wood would be playing Queen Sophie-Anne, we were confident.

Surely if anyone would be a natural for the role of haughty goth, it’d be Marilyn Manson’s former squeeze. And she certainly looked delicious in her ’40s-era swimming costume. But really. . . Yahtzee? Too cute, “True Blood.” Give her something to sink her teeth into, plot-wise. Hey, why not make it Bill Compton?

* Snap Tara out of her overly-emotional stupor

Not the kind where her eyes turn black. The kind she’s been in all season, first brought on by her mother’s rehabilitation and then by her relationship with Eggs.

We miss the old feisty Tara, the one who told off customers and rolled her eyes when Sam whispered sweet nothings. If it’s necessary to kill off Eggs to make this happen, so be it. We’ll miss his abs, but that’s pretty much it.

* Do something about Bill’s hair

It wasn’t this bad last season, we swear. Is he letting himself go because he’s settled down with Sookie? Because those bangs do not scream smoldering, chivalrous vampire. They scream Supercuts. The only reprieve we got was the brief flashback to his Prohibition-era stint as a piano player, where we realized it’s still possible for him to look good.

* Turn Lafayette into a vampire

He made such a good case for it while trying to argue his way out of imprisonment in Fangtasia’s cellar. As a man of highly questionable moral character, “I’d hit the ground running,” he pleaded. And he was right! Why are they leaving him to flail around, all PTSD, seeing Eric’s head superimposed on anyone who looks at him wrong? This badass cook deserves better. At the very least, let him be Eric’s go-go dancer, as he so sweetly offered. (We know he’s got moves — we’ve seen them, right after he drank Eric’s blood.)

* Let Andy save the day

The poor guy’s been shuffling around muttering “The pig! The pig!” for most of the season. Now everyone he originally made his case to has gone over to the dark side, at least temporarily. Sure, he hasn’t stopped drinking, but at the moment he’s the closest thing this town has to responsible law enforcement. So please, give him a little taste of heroism, and let him earn back his badge.