Sports

Hondo turns page, heads right to top

Hondo, your flagship source for NFL handicapping excellence, would like to take a moment to welcome one and all to the grand opening of the Bettor’s Guide Annex. And while the man some call Hondo-damas fully expects to have a fantastic year (uncle Nostra predicted it back in 1555), if you’re searching for an alternative investment source, you can always look to the left and go with the Joe Public option.

Enough of the pleasantries, it’s time to get down to the serious business of Week One.

Giants over Redskins: Big Blue lost Wind (Derrick Ward), but Earth and Fire should be enough to blow away the Skins. However, Hondo would feel better about this one if the Giants had been able to sign Harris Smith in the offseason.

Jets over Texans: Mr. Aitch has bought into the Rx Ryan hype and is going Green. The whole Raven model of a mad-dog defense combining with a rookie QB on a short leash directing an offense long on running is a proven winner — at least until they meet the Pats in Week 2.

Falcons over Dolphins: Obama says he’s open to a sin tax on soda in an effort to reduce obesity, which means he’ll soon name a Fizzy Beverages Czar.

Ravens over Chiefs: Don’t expect much from KC. New coach Haley lacks the comets he had when he was the Cards’ offensive coordinator.

Panthers over Eagles: It’s good to see Erin Andrews back on the sidelines. Her peeps missed her.

Bengals over Broncos: The Bengwads did Hard Knocks this year on HBO, which was a refreshing change from previous years when they did hard time.

Browns over Vikings: The Vikes will learn what Mangini saw first-hand last year: Favre’s more shot than Plaxico.

Colts over Jaguars: A Jacko tribute concert reportedly is in the works for Sept. 26 in Vienna. A more appropriate venue would be somewhere in Thailand, aka Disneyland for perverts.

Saints over Lions: Opening day e-woofs from BarkingMut: Buried in the 1,000 pages of the President’s health care reform plan is the recommendation for the new Death Panel Czar: Dr. Kevorkian. The Deputy Czar will be Jacko’s personal doc, Conrad Murray. And the Specialty Czar for Orthopedics will be the current Mets medical team.

Cowboys over Buccaneers: Mr. Softee, aka Wade Phillips, is still at the helm but America’s Underachievers should be improved because they rid themselves of three huge distractions: Terrell Owens and Jessica Simpson.

Cardinals over 49ers: Air ’Zona, em-Boldin-ed by its near miss in the Supe, will give ‘em Fitz. SF coach Singletary, meanwhile, dropped trou last year in the locker room at halftime in his first game as part of some weird motivational ritual. He knows that won’t work this year, so he has come up with something new: frequent sideline mooning.

Rams over Seahawks: The Seahags, ranked 32nd against the pass last year, are sticking with their version of the Cover 2 defense, which consists of covering two receivers and letting the rest go.

Bears over Packers: A female journalist in the Sudan was fined $200 for wearing pants. Lucky for her they weren’t from the Hillary Clinton Collection — double-wides would have cost her $400.

Patriots over Bills: Mass. attorney general Martha Coakley, among others, has announced her candidacy for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, while Curt Schilling has also expressed interest. No matter who runs, if the election is too close to call, the winner should be determined by a swim-off.

Chargers over Raiders: Looks like the Charger “D” is going to be vicious this year — especially choke artist Shawne Merriman, who rumor has it worked out in the offseason with Chris “Slap ‘Em Around” Brown.

BEST BETS: Giants, Patriots, Chargers.

LAST NIGHT: Titans (W).