“This Girl’s Life”
Tonight at 9 Showtime
(two stars)
ZEN type question: If you make a movie about making a dirty movie, is it a dirty movie?
“This Girl’s Life,” written and directed by Ash (who isn’t very famous yet but still only needs one name), stars a hypnotically beautiful woman named Juliette Marquis, who was born to have her name in lights.
Marquis, who seems to have only one movie credit to her name (the not-yet-released “Chicks with Sticks,” which is the chick flick equivalent to that other classic, “Men with Brooms,” I swear!) is great in a stupid part.
“This Girl’s Life” is the story of the world’s first and most famous web-porn girl (Moon) who lives in a house where she’s photographed 24/7 doing everything from having sex to going to the potty. This gives her reason to talk to us, the audience, directly.
This is all well and good except that for reasons never explained, Moon doesn’t actually live there 24/7.
She actually lives with her father (James Woods) who’s got advanced Parkinson’s Disease. He phones her constantly – usually when she’s about to have sex – to rush home to do things for him like (I swear again) wipe his backside.
We also learn that before she became web-cam girl, Moon was the world’s most famous porn star. No. she didn’t do it because Pops needed money for medical care, but because she looks like a “cheerleader” and loves to have dirty sex. Well, there went the sympathy angle.
So, what have we got here? The world’s oldest story – hooker with a heart of gold. What I don’t get is how – if Moon’s so successful – she doesn’t get Pops a home health aid so he’ll stop calling her and wandering outside in his underdrawers.
The disjointed story is supposed to be a sneak peek (what else?) into this porn star’s life. One minute she’s having sex, the next a birthday party for Pops with her girlfriends, all of whom are porn stars except for her best friend, a school teacher (!).
Then she’s seducing the woman’s fiancé to see if he’ll be true to her after they get married and the next she’s on a blind date with a TV actor (Kip Pardue) with whom she refuses to have sex because she doesn’t have sex on the first date.
Talk about a loser – everybody’s had a piece of her except Kip, who makes her dinner. These encounters are laughable, and the dialogue will leave you slack-jawed.
Clearly this Ash guy, has some issues with women – starting with his primitive ideas about them. He never gets beyond the whore/Madonna thing – you know, dirty sex actress/Parkinson’s caregiver.
Of course, Moon’s ultimately got to get punished for being a bad girl who loves sex. Right.
And not for nothin’, but this has to be the only pornographer’s house in the entire world without any security.
Woods is great in the role and so is Marquis – they deserve better than this. Hell, so do I!
You gotta give me something to work with here.