PATIENT: Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman’s rep as Hollywood’s favorite fashion plate must have gone to her head – how else to explain showing up at last year’s Golden Globes in a fussy YSL flapper-frock, complete with matching gold-sequinned headband?
The 37-year-old actress looked like a kid playing dressup – a bizarro “kidult” affectation she continues to espouse with her latest obsession: girlie bows in her hair. Is someone obsessing over turning 40?
RX: Think sleek instead of cute, and keep an eye on Uma Thurman. Her selfassured, understated elegance looks so breezy becuase she never dresses head-to-toe in designer brands. That eliminates the pitfall of looking too set or
staid.
PATIENT: Britney Spears
Britney, we could bang on about your butt-cleavage, sloppy T’s and generally louche appearence, but we won’t. All you have to do in 2005 is to look like you’ve taken a shower. Just because the paparazzi irritate you by trailing you to the corner store each time you want to buy a piece of gum doesn’t mean you should let your fans – make that millions of young fans – down by becoming known as the shorthand for Trailer Park Trash style.
RX: Enough with the ginseng. Your best remedy would be a consultation with that other ambitious blonde, Jessica Simpson. She might not know the difference between chicken and tuna, but her dippy personality overshadows a sharp eye for fashion trends and a deep appreciation of the benefits of impeccable grooming.
PATIENT: Amber Frey
The glare of the spotlight can be particularly harsh when you’re not used to being center stage. Just ask Amber Frey, the fragile blonde who showed up to court wearing dowdy secretary-style clothes. It wasn’t exactly the confident look that would catch, say, publisher Judith Regan’s eye. Considering Frey’s next foray is into the world of book publishing, we’d recommend an emergency makeover that declares Frey is in control and ready to tell-all – for the right price.
RX: Jenny Paulino, the 46-year-old Upper East Side accused of pimping out call girls might be an unconventional role model but, when it comes to style, she’s our kind of gal.
Amber, take note: Even an early morning court docket didn’t distract Manhattan’s latest Madam from dressing the part. Her fur-trimmed ensemble had us humming the theme song to “Dr. Zhivago,” not “Debbie Does Dallas.”
PATIENT: Nicolette Sheridan
We thought Nicolette Sheridan was desperate for attention when she dropped her towel and made that indecent proposal to grid-great Terrell Owens. If only she’d wrap herself in a towel now!
Sheridan, 41, might think her libidinal look is an ironic nod to her “Desperate Housewives” persona, but she looks like Joanna Lumley’s “Absolutely Fabulous” fashion victim, Patsy.
RX: Let castmate Eva Longoria administer fashion rehab. It doesn’t have to be an invasive process – all you need is the number of a good makeup artist, a stylist. And a commitment never to set foot in Express again.
PATIENT: Paris Hilton
Even though we’ve enjoyed more than a few chuckles over Ms. Hilton’s babydoll on acid look, it’s time for her to class up her X-rated wardrobe act. It’s been fun – what, between the book, the singing, the refusal to wear
panties and of course, the sex tapes – but the shtick is starting to feel stale and even a little sad.
RX: Grow up. Surprise us all and extend your 15 minutes with a 2005 reinvention. (Think Nicole Richie – not Madonna.) Your small-screen partner in crime Nicole Richie wowed the fashion world with a sleek makeover,
transforming her honky-tonk image to one that’s demure, styling and far more appealing.
PATIENT: Beyoncé
Beyoncé is in a sticky situation – but the bootlicious 23-year-old must stop wearing clothes selected for her by her aspiring fashion-designer mother, Tina. Mama, it turns out, doesn’t always know best. A former hairstylist, Mrs. Knowles dresses her daughter like a 5-year-old would a Barbie doll and the results – an chaotic combination of clothes that are too shiny, too tight, too low-cut and too short – are tackier than taffy.
RX: Cut the umbilical cord and find a fashion mentor to dispense style pointers. Reformed redcarpet titillater,
J.Lo, (remember the hanky-thin Versace wrap-dress – she barely wore to the 2000 Grammy’s?) turned Vogue cover girl is the ultimate chamelon – and can rescue you from all the Worst Dressed lists.
PATIENT: Star Jones
Star Jones’ reign as Bridezilla may be over, but get ready for Fur-zilla. The 42- year-old TV hostess, whose personal style hinges on an adolescent princess-complex (complete with tiaras, furs and flashy jewelry) has toned down the chintzy bling – or started dressing in an age- and size-appropriate manner.
RX: We don’t subscribe to the fashion paranoia about weight, but if you do have an inch to pinch around your waist, it’s best to skip the slinky dress that sausages your tummy. Our advice: Try channeling Oprah, the patron saint of women of a certain age who want to cultivate a strong personal style.