WHAT would you do if you moved into an apartment building where everyone was obsessed with everyone else’s business and the most intimate details of your life were being broadcast on a minute-to-minute basis by the friendly doorman?
If you answered “move,” you win, and unfortunately that’s what you might do when you watch CBS’s new sit-not-alotta-com, “Welcome to The Captain,” based entirely on the above scenario.
The show centers around Josh (Fran Kranz), a young, former hot-shot writer and Academy Award winner, who is a new resident of a legendary apartment building nicknamed “The Captain.” It’s a building filled with quirky Hollywood has-beens and up-and-coming-wannabes.
There’s Charlene (Raquel Welsh), a sex-pot actress who still wants to make steamy thrillers at age 52 (remarkably, the gorgeous Raquel is actually – are you ready? – 67!); Marty (Chris Klein), Josh’s best friend and a womanizing accountant to the stars; Saul (Jeffrey Tambor), a former writer for “Three’s Company Jesus, whose name is pronounced exactly like the son of God’s (Al Madrigal); and Hope (Joanna Garcia), an aspiring acupuncturist who wins Josh’s heart immediately.
Despite the fact that we’ve got a Jesus, a Hope, a Joshua and a Saul, there is no Moses or Blessed Mary, or like most shows this season – there is, er, thank God – no mischievous sprite, spiritual muse or visits from the Lord at The Captain.
Too bad. God might have had a few better lines and more inspirational plots than ones like the second episode that revolves around how the lovely girl has to bunk with the lost-struck boy when her brother comes back to reclaim his apartment unexpectedly. Oh no! Saul must have written this episode since it sounds like it’s right out of “Three’s Company.”
And the lines need a lifeline to stay up sometimes, too. For example, Saul, who is constantly talking about his conquests (and those of everyone else in the building), tells Josh that when he was beginning to date actress Linda Lavin, “within days she was peeing with the door open.” Oh.
Or as Charlene is seducing Josh into sex with her on his first night in the new building, she says, “I’m sure you are familiar with my body of work,” before dropping her negligee.
Jesus, like a Latino update of Carlton the doorman from “Rhoda,” is very much a caricature, although as inhabited by the very funny Madrigal, he takes on much more human and adorable qualities than the script would suggest.
Marty, on the other hand, isn’t given much room. He’s “Entourage’s” Ari, without the speed or the smarts.
The characters are likeable enough so that you might even grow to care about them – and the show – in this arid writers’ strike environment.
Stay tuned. Or not. I don’t think I will be tuning in very often, myself – or moving into “The Captain” anytime soon.