‘THE Spiderwick Chronicles” is overrun with malicious goblins, a vengeance-minded pig, a fast-moving troll and a giant horned ogre, but the true source of terror is scarier than all of these combined: New York real estate prices.
Mary-Louise Parker plays a mom who splits with her husband in New York and is forced to move, with her three kids, to a cheaper house in the suburbs. Distant suburbs. Like maybe Transylvania.
Their dilapidated new residence makes the house in “Psycho” look like Buckingham Palace. As mom and kids (“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” star Freddie Highmore plays twins) settle in, they notice weird stuff such as a pantry stocked with hundreds of containers of honey, saltines and tomato sauce. Also, there are creatures coming, literally, out of the woodwork.
Highmore No. 1, called Jared, has a hot temper; his more cerebral counterpart Simon is, like bookworms near and far, an avowed pacifist who never met a foe he didn’t run away from. His big sister is handy with a sword, but the movie spends more effort setting up the idea that she’s a fencer than it does showing off her skills when it counts.
Jared discovers a mysterious book about magical invisible creatures, armies of whom are massing outside the house threatening to break in, tear apart the children and possibly even devour the saltines.
The goblins, who look like the Budweiser frogs after about a dozen kamikazes, are after the book. Simon’s solution: “Give it to them!” To the movie’s credit, it not only makes Simon look like a chump but also gives us a scene that defines the word “appease.”
The goblins are frightening (though one inexplicably wears a blue naval officer’s coat and maritime headgear, like a warty Cap’n Crunch), but their boss is even worse. He’s an ogre (voiced by Nick Nolte) with massive crooked teeth and rhino horns, which adds up to an effect roughly one-third as scary as Nolte’s DUI mug shot.
There is plenty of visual appeal for little kids, but the plot wanders into a detour when Jared risks everything to visit a mysterious, crazy great aunt. A phone call probably would have been a better idea.
The characters lack shadings – Nolte’s ogre is loud but uninteresting – and the tone of the fantasy world isn’t witty, like Harry Potter’s, or satirical, like Lemony Snicket’s. It’s all just silly, featuring a tomato-sauce bomb and a whirling cloud of cosmic dandruff that picks people up and wafts them away. Kids will be leaving the theater asking, “When does the next Narnia movie come out?”
THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES
Flat fairy tale.
Running time: 95 minutes. Rated PG (action violence). At the Lincoln Square, the Magic Johnson, the Union Square, others.