Maybe you’ve seen him – red-faced, veins popping, as he shouts orders to the kids. Or perhaps you’ve heard her screaming herself hoarse on the field.
Coaching kids’ sports shouldn’t be that painful – for anyone.
A new series of books aims to make better sports of kids’ coaches. They’re titled “A Thing or Two About” – and so far, there’s one for baseball, soccer and even golf. They not only explain the rules of the games, but how to behave while your kids are playing them.
“It’s hard to believe that we have to educate moms and dads and coaches how to behave themselves at our kids’ games,” says Rick Wolff, a sports psychologist, who edited the books.
Wolff, who speaks on sports radio station WFAN, used to be a “roving psychologist” for the Cleveland Indians – and says he never forgot what he learned from the big leaguers: “To a man, none of them wanted their kids ever to play youth sports.
“I asked why, and they said, ‘Because we saw the crazy coaches, the person who yelled and smoked in the dugout.’ They all saw parents who played favorites with their kids on the team. And they all said it was horrible.”
On the other hand, Wolff says, kids know what counts.
“They enjoy the game for what it is,” says Wolff, a Westchester father of three. “You can tell if they develop a passion for the sport because they’ll want to play ball with you . . .
“Problems erupt around the ages of 10, 11, 12, when a parent might think, ‘My kid is a pretty good ballplayer. Maybe I should get him out of this weak recreational league and get him into a select program.’
“All of a sudden, it’s no longer about just having fun. It’s about having to play, and play well.
“They see that the last thing mom and dad say before the game is, ‘Have fun’ – but then they see that mom and dad are screaming and yelling, or that ‘Dad gets depressed if I strike out with the bases loaded.'”
Wolff says there’s nothing wrong with competition in youth sports leagues – as long as you let the kids do the competing.
“If you’re one of those parents who’s keeping score and keeping league standings and averages and really getting pumped up about the final score of the game,” he says, “you’re not doing a good job.
“Let the kids worry about that. They can count.”
Here are some of Wolff’s tips for Joe Torre wannabes:
Rule No. 1: Baseball, unlike any other sport, is based on failure. Even the best major leaguers are out seven times out of every 10 at bats.
“It’s important for the coach, as a grown-up, to tell the kids, ‘Hey, I know what it’s like to strike out with bases loaded, or drop a pop-up or let a ground ball through my legs. I did all those things. Yet I still had fun.'”
And fun, Wolff emphasizes, is what the game should be about.
Rule No. 2: If you’re the coach, you’ve got to play everybody.
“When kids come to their game, every one has expectations that today might be their day. ‘Hey, today, I might get the big hit.’ And parents come not to watch you coach, but to watch their kids play.
“It’s so simple: Let the kids play. Let them play wherever they want.”
And if a kid wants to play a position he’s no good at?
“That’s not your problem, Coach. Because that kid, at age 10, has to find out how good he is or how good he isn’t. So if you don’t have the guts to put that kid out in the field, you’re robbing that kid of a dream.”
Rule No. 3: All the kids take their behavioral cues from their coach – so think twice before you act out.
“When you feel your blood pressure boil over,” says Wolff, “take three seconds, call time out, go out and talk to the umpire in a calm voice.”
Easier said than done. At a recent youth league game in Prospect Park, when the umpire clearly blew a call that allowed one team to score a run on what would have been the third out, the coach of the 9- and 10-year-olds on the other team, the Serpents yelled at the umpire.Then he caught himself and calmly walked over to the ump to discuss the play.
But what do you do when a coach does scream and yell – at your kid?
“Wait 24 or 48 hours and call the coach at home,” Wolff says. “Say, in a very pleasant voice, ‘There’s a problem and I need your advice. My son here is a nice kid; he loves baseball. He doesn’t react well in school when teachers raise their voice, and I have a feeling the same is happening in baseball. He doesn’t seem to have the self-confidence to deal with it. Can you help me with that?’
“Ninety-nine percent of the time the coach will say, ‘Of course.'”
And then there’s the prickly question of divided loyalties. What to do if the kid’s a Met fan surrounded by Yankee loyals?
“The family would obviously have to move and change their names,” Wolff jokes.
“Just tell ’em, ‘Wait till next year.'”
Next year is here. Play ball!
For more information, log onto http://www.athingortwo.com or look at http://www.sportsparenting.org.