We get it: Shopping for the perfect gift is tough, especially when it comes to the special lady in your life.
But fear not — she’ll love you no matter what you choose. Just kidding!
There are so, so many ways to mess things up with the wrong gift, and leave a pall hanging over your relationship for months to come. Stay away from these:
1. A meditation guide
Mindfulness may be the hot new stress-buster, but guess what women hate even more than trying to do eight things at once? Being told to “relax.” So stay away from gifts that suggest she’s a big ball of tension, like beginner’s guides to meditation.
2. A corset
Nothing says “Happy holidays, honey!” like asking a woman to mash her body into a severe, rib-constraining, Victorian garment.
Corsets may be trendy, but they are also the foot-bindings of underwear. If you’re going to go the lingerie route, stick with something that doesn’t involve whalebone.
3. A high-tech Crock-Pot
Sure, she’s a foodie who loves gadgets. That doesn’t mean a smartphone-syncable slow-cooker is going to go over well. After all, the implied meaning is, “Now you can slow-cook stuff for me!” Get one for yourself, and surprise her with a nice dinner instead. Don’t cheap out on the wine, either.
4. Fitness lessons
She may rave about SoulCycle — but buying her a class package is tantamount to saying, “I wish your butt spent a little more time at the gym.” ‘Tis the season not to suggest that she’s anything other than perfect just as she is. (That’s from the movie “Bridget Jones’ Diary,” which, incidentally, would make a much nicer present.)
5. A book on how to have better sex
Maybe you’ve been thinking your sex life has been leveling off in recent months. Time to get things heated up again? Sure, but not like this. Handing her a guide to how to be dirtier AND more modern — like “50 Sexting Tips for Women” — implies that she’s not already, and is a fairly surefire way to make your holiday downright monastic.
6. A scented candle
Don’t be fooled by the gigantic scented candle industry, founded on convincing you that she’d like nothing more than to burn something in her apartment that smells like a cookie got it on with a Christmas tree. This is a present that screams “I know nothing about your tastes or interests.”
7. A cosmetics gift set
Nobody uses all the things that come in a beauty set. What will happen is, she’ll like one thing in it, and she’ll only have a travel-size amount, so it’s gone quickly. The other bottles and tubes and jars, which she’ll quickly deduce are the wrong color or bad for her skin, will lie around until such time as they can be discreetly disposed of. Say, July.
8. Hoodie-Footie pajamas
There are few things a grown woman needs less than this article of clothing, which, in addition to being infantilizing and instantly overheated (especially in the confines of a New York apartment with a steam radiator you can’t control), has the benefit of being difficult to take off when one has to pee. Sure, it’s soft and fluffy. So is a cashmere sweater. Go track down one of those.
9. Perfume
There are so many fabulous new scents on the market, like My Burberry from Burberry, which “captures the fragrance of a London garden after the rain.” Even presuming this means flower blossoms and not earthworms, don’t assume you know what your girlfriend/wife wants to smell like; scent is a very particular thing. Besides, if she does like it, you run the risk she’ll overdo it and your entire life will end up smelling like British dirt.
10. A gift set of artisanal mayonnaises
Where else but Brooklyn could you purchase a four-pack of sandwich condiments for nearly $30? Despite the allure of such a borough-specific gift, any woman in her right mind will question your sanity if you give her something so ridiculous.